Katie's diary
by signingroses
Summary: when every thing goes wrong the little moments make everything right. what will Kendall think when or if he finds out what is really going on with Katie.
1. Chapter 1

Hi i know i have not been on much but a lot has happened since my last update. A lot of what i am putting in this story are true. Lastly if any of you can relate to the story pm me I can help. I just don't want anyone to do what I have tried to do three times. yes I have tried to kill my self three times.

I don't own Big time rush...all I own it the plot

Katie's diary

It is eraly still a little dark out when I walk to school every day. Yes the same thing every day dose get old fast. The only thing that is keeping it all new is the colors that go on in the morning. Today it was gray with the rain coming down. I love days like this, my mind is free from every thing. I love feeling the cool rain drops hit my skin as I walk down the road. I embrace it and wish I could live in this little world I make in my mind on days like this. The smell of the rain lulls me with every step. The sound of cars passing is just a slight hum. It is moments like this that the pain and loneliness is gone. I still know I am alone. Days like this I wish we could have off. If we did I would lie out on a chair in the rain. Still in the back of my mind is the thought. Still lost in the darkens the consumes me I seem to find the little moments that im truly happy. I don't trust anyone but Kendall. The best big brother in the world. However he cant see what is going on inside. How can someone your so close to in your life not see what is going on. Is it that I fake it that good? You would think that having no friends over ever and being in my room all the time would say some thing. Is it that he is like the rest of the world and dose not love me any more? Am I becoming obsolete to him. I know mom left and she will never come back. That part I don't care for so much because the day she walked out on us was the day she died to me. So the teacher ask what will I do for mothers day. Well she is died to me so what do you think I would do. My dad was ever there, so the only person I have is Kendall. I know the people at school hate me just bye the way they look at me. What should I do with my life. I have wanted to end it so many times. So many tries but why cant I do it. Yes I cut so what ever I have been free for a month now but now things are building up and I don't think I can hold much longer. Then days like this gray rainy one comes and every thing stops.

So what do you thing. Is it good please tell me what you think in a review... thank you.


	2. bad to wonderful

To day was light blue. Kendall was not with me today only because I left the house before him today. I just need some time by my self. I walk fast only to end the day and get to the next. There is only seven weeks of school left and that means time for me to go se our mom is closing in and fast. Kendall is 18 so he dose not have to go. However since I'm only 16 I still have to go. The summer or at lest the part of it I spend with Kendall fervors me with happiness. All that goes away when I have to stay with my demented ,inimical and perilous of a mother I have. I'm appalled when I have to go and Kendall knows it. Now he has told me something every year and that is the poka's trip is fast and will always come home to where it is really loved. The poka is an Irish horse that people ride as fast as they can in a night. There is more but I just cant think of it right now. The day, so sunny with the light blue sky only reminds me of the day I started to put it all together. When she would be out of money when I was their with her and could buy a new car the day I left. But the thing that made it click was the day she told me that she wished I was not her kid. That is the day I started to cut my self. Figuring out all of the mind games she has played on my since I was 5 till now, that is what makes me cut. How can I be so stupid in to not seeing this when I was ten. The only person the was there when my best and only friend died was Kendall. He was there for me. He held me like he used to when I was 5. My legs shook and I could hardly stand but some how they never gave till I saw him. I was walking back and forth in my room after finding out the news on the phone. He was the only one there for me. Now I will tell you that I did the perfect fail today. I was not all the way up getting dressed for school today and I put on one of Kendall's t-shirts. However I did not find this out till we had dinner and he told me. Still the small things that happen in the day that people never take note of unless they are some what in the same boat as me. You know, one parent that does not care about you and some one that means world to you. Yes Kendall means the world to me.

So as the day fades to light orange I have to go beck to the school. I got nominated for an award in English. I'm so happy about that. Only the best in the class get nominated. Still it is sad that only the teacher takes note that I'm there. Now I did win it which it like boss. There are 300 kids that the teacher could have chose but she chose me. Chose me fore the best writing. Wow I did not think I was that good I'm so happy.


	3. purple

**Ok a lot of what is in the story is true. The things with the mom is all based off my mom. however I think things are getting better. well i hope they are. she might be playing with my mind like always.**

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Well yesterday and today where the best not only was the sky purple but I got to drive. Yes I am 16 and driving. Kendall is a grate teacher . In the back of my mind I know Kendall is giving me a way out when I have to go see our mom. If things get to sticky ( they will, it always happens) I can take the car and drive home. Yes it is agents the law for me to drive by my self but if they only knew her. However I don't want to think about that now because I have 10 weeks left with Kendall and his friends. James like always was trying to get me to say I like him. I don't. So he was hanging around my car. Yes I have a car. Kendall got it for me for my birthday. Now you will never guess the color. Purple just like the sky. I love the color. So since Kendall took me driving just the two of us, (brother and sister time) I cleaned his car for him as a thank you . I spent all day on it and wow it looks new. He is going to flip when he comes home and sees it. Oh and some good new, well for me that is. I can put on t-shirts on again because you cant see the scars that where caused by the mantle abuse from my mom. The sun was so bright today. I like the sun but not as much as the rainy days. Now I know you are asking your self why do I say the sky is blue, gray, black, ect… well life is full of colors and I really never got to see them till Kendall and I got out of the house and found Gustavo. Gustavo had Kendall sing thinking he was part of the audition. I know my big brother could sing, because he would sing me to sleep when I was to scared. He would sing when he was cleaning the cuts I got from my mother. When he sings it can make the worst day fell like every thing is fine. Him singing melts away every little bit of pain I have. It make me fell I'm not obsolete to the world. I know he would die if I died and I would do the same. We keep each other in check. James was the only one that had off. I'm not to sure why but what ever he worked in the garden all day. It was not till dinner with Carlos, Logan and James that we talked. I think Kendall is having to much fun in my car. I don't blame him. Who would not want to drive a 2013 purple dodge Charger that is lowed with every thing you can get in one.

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So what do you think. i know they are short but when school gets out they will get longer. plus when i am with my mom all ill have is time. please review.


	4. Green

Today the sky is lime green. I have been sleepy all day I just want to go home. I get asked what I did for mothers day. In reply I simply tell them I don't take part in that holiday. They don't know that she thinks I'm mistake. She really dose not want me in the summers to visit. Now I do try to mend what is wrong ,but it dose not work. For this I must be so stupid. So stupid for falling for the same mental game year after year. It all starts with her acting like she has changed. so I plan the entire trip. What to see, do and even the hotels will stay in. then when every this is planed and I get to hyped up, she tells me no. she said no after saying yes. So the big let down this year is the grand canyon. Now I have ten weeks to plan every thing out knowing that it will not happen. So for this I am stupid. Is it that I have that much hope, or is it that deep in my mind I like to be abused. May be I do like the abuse with out knowing it. She treats me like trash and everyday abuses me, yet I continue to go. Then there is school. People just put up with me because they don't like me. Ok I get it I'm a nerd but it is only because I love to read. I really cant what for the book I ordered to come in. It has been a week but what can I do. Je ne sais pas, Je suis seulement une personne. Oh sorry I do speak French and start talking in it sometimes when I get stressed out. Also I'm learning German.

Kendall has bee so helpful to me lately. He takes off of work to bring me home. I have been getting migraines every other day. So bad that the nurse had to take me out of school by wheelchair.( that really did happen to me. I scared my teacher that knows how my mom is.) Kendall is like a dad to me. Yes I know that is odd to say knowing he is my brother, but I do know if it where not for him I would have never made it this far in my life. So thank you big brother for every thing.


	5. Love

Ok sorry for not being on but it is the end of the school year and i have to study for my regents test. however I will be on a lot more and with a new story. haha you did not see that coming now did you lol. what ever i should just shut up now and let you read.

I don't own anything but the plot and the bad thing that happen in the story.

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So a lot has happened . I have been sick and well over loaded with school work. the teacher just don't under stand that i can't keep up. i know school is just two weeks left but they don't have to put up with the mettle abuse. as the weeks get closer to see our mom the abuse gets the hell am i suppose to do. it is not like i cant go, well i could but then Kendall would get sued by our mom and that would not be good. they would find out that I'm home most of the time. you know just me have 2j to my self. even know the guys are gone a lot they some how still make time for me. still the court would never abide to that

we are getting 80° weather and well i have made it two months with out cutting. the scars only show when I'm in the water for longer than 30min but I'm in for like 25 min at a time. now i really don't know what to say at this point... oh i got it so all the guys will be out on a date but James. so this might give me the chance to tell him he was right about me having a crush on him. one thing i know he will say is "see i know you liked me" and then flash that smile of his. now that smile just makes me melt in side. well i do hope there is more to say after the "date" with James that he does not know about, haha I hope this goes as planed. well i could tell the plan now knowing he will never see this. to the plan is, he gets into the shower at 6:00 before dinner. now it will just be him and me in the house at this time. so i was going to make some blt's for dinner. then when I know he is in the shower i will sneak in and take the towel he has in there then I would light some candles and shut the power to 2j off. we will yell for me to get the towel when he cant find it and ill tell him to hold on for a minuet so i can get a candle going. of course I will already have one and the towel. I'll give him what he needs and tell him dinner is ready. once he comes out to the light room with candles I will pop up behind him tell him I am scared. that will make him hold me and in that moment in the candle light and him holding me I will tell him I love him. really I don't think that the plan can fail. not one of them have so I think I'm good on this one. You will get the 411 on this so till next time have fun.

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Well I hope you like this one. I know it is not the best and is short but as i said before, school is my main focus right now. Please let me know what you think in a review. Oh and i have a question that hints to the next chapter. Do you have some one that you would do anything for? I will give my answer in the next chapter


	6. date daynight

**AUTHORS NOTE: **SO THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION OF THE LAST CHAPTER IS... THERE IS THIS GIRL THAT I LIKE BUT SHE WAS TO STAY FRIENDS. THAT IS FINE BY ME. I JUST WANT HER TO KNOW I WOULD DO ANY THING FOR HER, EVEN GIVE MY LIFE IF IT MEANT SHE WOULD LIVE. Ok so I had the caps on, wow fail. any way I hope you like this chapter

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To day was light blue. Kendall was not with me today only because I left the house before him today. I just need some time by my self. I walk fast only to end the day and get to the next. There is only seven weeks of school left and that means time for me to go se our mom is closing in and fast. Kendall is 18 so he dose not have to go. However since I'm only 16 I still have to go. The summer or at lest the part of it I spend with Kendall fervors me with happiness. All that goes away when I have to stay with my demented ,inimical and perilous of a mother I have. I'm appalled when I have to go and Kendall knows it. Now he has told me something every year and that is the poka's trip is fast and will always come home to where it is really loved. The poka is an Irish horse that people ride as fast as they can in a night. There is more but I just cant think of it right now. The day, so sunny with the light blue sky only reminds me of the day I started to put it all together. When she would be out of money when I was their with her and could buy a new car the day I left. But the thing that made it click was the day she told me that she wished I was not her kid. That is the day I started to cut my self. Figuring out all of the mind games she has played on my since I was 5 till now, that is what makes me cut. How can I be so stupid in to not seeing this when I was ten. The only person the was there when my best and only friend died was Kendall. He was there for me. He held me like he used to when I was 5. My legs shook and I could hardly stand but some how they never gave till I saw him. I was walking back and forth in my room after finding out the news on the phone. He was the only one there for me. Now I will tell you that I did the perfect fail today. I was not all the way up getting dressed for school today and I put on one of Kendall's t-shirts. However I did not find this out till we had dinner and he told me. Still the small things that happen in the day that people never take note of unless they are some what in the same boat as me. You know, one parent that does not care about you and some one that means world to you. Yes Kendall means the world to me.

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So as the day fades to light orange I have to go beck to the school. I got nominated for an award in English. I'm so happy about that. Only the best in the class get nominated. Still it is sad that only the teacher takes note that I'm there. Now I did win it which it like boss. There are 300 kids that the teacher could have chose but she chose me. Chose me fore the best writing. Wow I did not think I was that good I'm so happy.

As the sun faded last night the sky was a reddish pink color. The color of love. All the boys where out but James. He took me to the award thing only because I knew how he would be. When we got home is when I put my plan for him in to play. The lights went out and a acted scared. Then as he was holding my I told him that he was right about the crush I had on him. Oh I have never seen his face light up like it did. We are going to have to hide this from Kendall, just for a little bit. I cant what till Saturday. We are going on a date to Catalina island. You see every Saturday James and I do something and we now it is our date day until we want to tell the others. Well good by my book of thoughts, ill be back soon.


	7. the beach

I really want to thank Teshia14 for helping me out with this story. I do not own Big Time Rush.

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Today James and I went to the beach. I felt so lucky because James and I would be alone at last. It is James and Katie day as we call it, however it really is starting to turn into our date night . We called it our special day because every second that passed was bringing us closer and we where have a hell of a time. Sadly for my girlfriends they will not know that james and I are a thing now. He and I had decided to keep us being together a secret from everyone. It just made it so much more daring. I really don't like hiding things from Kendall and my girlfriends but and I said we are have the time of our lives.

Now thankfully it was a only a two day wait. I would have exploded with excitement and that would have Kendall catch on to James and I, that is some thing we are not ready for yet. James took me to the Catalina Island in LA. I have wanted to go to this beach so bad ever since we got out this way. My dream of going on a date to the Catalina Island beach would come true finely. James really surprised me be wearing a lovely and every elegant suit. He just got it for our date. In his arms was a read rose that was presented and then given to me.

You would never guess what I wore. Well this girl really did not care about fashion. So she got herself a lovely blue beach dress with flowers on it, along with a matching pare of blue beach slippers. Ok so you ask how did I know that we were going to the beach? Well that is simple. James and I like playing guessing games so he told be we where going to "A" beach and I had to guess the one . I was thinking it was the Catalina Island, but I did not think he knew I wanted to go there some day.

" Hay, there beautiful! You look absolutely stunting. I could eat you up you look that good." James said flashing one of his killer looking smiles. I almost melted in side from that.

" Well James, I am quite flattered that you can be _so_ romantic. Oh and by the way the suit looks absolutely fabulous on you." I said really trying my best to flirt with him.

I just about screamed when I notice it was the Catalina Island that James was taking me for our first date and this was really a special place. When we got there, I so desperately want to go for a swim at that moment. I must have had a vibe going off me ,or he read my mind. It was one of the two. Also I was looking at the lovely ocean and was thing of something but I will tell you that some other day.

" Hay Katie, want to go for a swim? James asked me very nicely. With that I bolted out of my car. We took it because it had more room than the corvette that james had.

" I would love to; you are being such a gentleman to me." I said trying not to sound flirty. " How did you know that I wanted to come here?"

" Well, I have noticed a lot of things about you that I have been given credit for." James said holding my hands.

I could feel the butterflies building in my stomach and that where building fast. This is the first time that I have been alone with a guy before.

(We went swimming together and it was so much fun.) James was chasing me in the ocean and was also trying to tickle me but that did not happen because I splashed him with the water. ( Small note: I don't like to be tickled that is why the guys do it, However if it is James I could care less. Still I don't want him to know I like it just yet.) He stopped and complained about his hair (typical James) then he picked me up in is arms and carries me around and placed me on our beach blanket. He looked at me with those amazing hazel brown eyes just begging to give him a hug. But I did not give in even know it was vary tempting. So he hugged me with a tight embrace not wanting to let go of me. After a few minutes he asked me to go and watch the sunset with him. Which I more than gladly accepted. He was holding my arms but then he notice that I was wearing my purple and black polka dotted bikini, his eye where gazing down on my breasts. He tried to hard not to look but he is a guy and that is what they do. After that moment , he sat awkwardly next to me.

There was some magazines lying around and he picked one up and pretended to read it but still looks at me.

" James, why are you pretending to read the magazine? I said looking suspiciously at him.

" Katie you look absolutely amazing in that bikini an I just couldn't keep my eyes off you. Your body is truly amazing! Wow look at the way I am talking to you . It is not every gentleman like , please for give me." He said looking so mad at himself fro talking to me that way.

" Oh James, it is ok I know you are a guy and well they just cant control it some times." I said. " Thank you . I am so glad you understand, and you know I wouldn't do any thing to you right"

" I know you wouldn't James and that is why I had fallen for you. You are such an amazing guy and that is why my heart had chosen you."

" Oh man, you are a truly a wonderful girl and love you with _all_ of my heart." He said then kissed on the lips. It was wonderful, I cant even begin to describe it but it was way better that I had planned for my first kiss to be.

With that the last of the sun was setting. Man was it the best sunset I have ever seen in LA. Just then James started to sing Kiss by Maroon 5. The song was off there overexposes album.

You don't have to be beautifulTo turn me onI just need your body babyFrom dusk till dawnYou don't need experienceTo turn me outYou just leave it all up to meI'm gonna show you what it's all about You don't have to be richTo be my girlYou don't have to be coolTo rule my worldAin't no particular sign I'm more compatible withI just want your extra time and your kissYou got to not talk dirty, babyIf you want to impress meYou can't be to flirty, mamaI know how to undress me (Yeah)I want to be your fantasyMaybe you could be mineYou just leave it all up to meWe could have a good time You don't have to be richTo be my girlYou don't have to be coolTo rule my worldAin't no particular sign I'm more compatible withI just want your extra time and your kissWomen not girls rule my world I said they rule my worldAct your age, mama (Not your shoe size)Not your shoe sizeMaybe we could do the twirlYou don't have to watch DynastyTo have an attitude You just leave it all up to me My love will be your foodYeahYou don't have to be richTo be my girlYou don't have to be coolTo rule my world Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible withI just want your extra time and your kiss

It was the best day of my life.

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Thanks for reading. so what do you think?


	8. Chapter 8 the telling

I know this is short but it is only part one of 4.

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Really is it mooning? Uah I just fell asleep. I love playing music in the mornings so I got my IPod and turned on the radio and the song touch the sky was playing. When cold wind is a calling

And the sky is clear and bright,

Misty mountains sing and beckon me

Lead me out into the night.

I will ride, I will fly

Chase the wind and touch the sky.

I will fly, chase the wind and touch the sky.

Na na na na na na na na

Na na na na na na na

Na na na na na na na na

Na na na na na na na

Where dark roots hide secrets

And mountains are fierce and bold.

Deep waters hold reflections

Of times lost long ago.

I will hear their e'ry story

Take hold of my own dreams

Be as strong as the seas are stormy,

And proud as an eagle's scream.

I will ride, I will fly

Chase the wind and touch the sky.

I will fly, chase the wind and touch the sky.

Na na na na na na na na

Na na na na na na na

And touch the sky

Na na na na na na na na

Na na na na na na na

Chase the wind

Chase the wind

Touch the sky

Na na na na na na na na

Na na na na na na na

The song ends as I'm done showering. Yes I have my own bathroom and was it is a light purple with black strips in it. I will tell James this. That song, it's so true to me. I feel so confined with hiding and not at the same time. I want to be free from the grey of life. I have become bored with life and all the things I have to carry. James needs to know what I'm feeling and now because I don't know how long I can hold on any more. The beach was fun but I feel like my old life is coming back. That mom will come to get me like she said. Living in fear is nothing new to me and the hole not like showing my body thing. James knew what I did to myself and why. However he does not know that mom was coming for me. I just don't know when or where. I have been tempted by that silver blade and the voices but I know if James finds out he would die and I love him too much to do that to him. Well I'm done getting ready time to go find James

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thank you for reading. so what do you think


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